TTC Update
Atticus is in this weird quasi-weaned space. His nursing is cut down to once or twice a day - sometimes more if he's feeling unwell. However, he is doing this weird thing lately where he isn't actually drinking, except for a few sips at most. He instead uses me as a pacifier.
A couple things make me think that my supply is either super low or on its way out. My old bras fit! Also, my blood work my RE ordered showed my prolactin was a 4.6. According to Kelly Mom, anything under 25 is normal for non-pregnant, non-lactating women. When ttc a low prolactin level is good - since the hormone inhibits follicle stimulating hormone that helps you ovulate.
After a couple conversations with the husband, we decided to hold off on doing a frozen embryo transfer.
While my levels might be low enough to move forward with a transfer, Atticus isn't technically weaned. I think too this all seemed a bit rushed. While I'm anxious to have another child, preferably close in age to Atticus. I don't want him to have to give up anything too soon because I was ready. I want to remember to focus on the one baby I do have - show gratitude and be present with him. This isn't to say I'm going to go back to being a 24 hour diner - we're still working towards weaning, just more slowly this time.
We decided to wait until the end of the year to reassess what we want to do - most likely continue with a FET. I think giving "the old fashioned way" the old college try before spending a few thousand dollars on IVF would be smart. I can't say I'm very optimistic - hell, I still haven't had my cycle return yet, but it won't hurt to try.
I'm trying to make sure I stay in a happy place these next few months. Not to overkill the research, or natural pregnancy after ivf success stories, tracking, obsessing, worrying. I think hopefully, keeping busy with my always moving toddler will be helpful. He can keep me focused.
I have a few things I'm slowly starting to integrate into my routine to see if they can't help kickstart my ovulation.
-Premama Fertility Supplement Drink*- A myo-inositol supplement. (Studies show it improves egg quality and helps women with PCOS ovulate)
-Vitex* - Promotes regular ovulation and progesterone production.
-OPKs
-A healthy nutritarian diet. For hubby too! I plan a more extensive post on this soon.
*Since Atticus isn't drinking much of anything, I feel it's safe to take these.
The pressure to wean in time for a FET is off and I think all around everyone is happier. Take it slow. Trust the process.
P.S. I also hate reading these kinds of blogs and then never finding out what happens. So, I'm going to try and do monthly posts to update on how supplements seem to be working and anything else relevant.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme for this year is "Listen Up!" I debated a while whether or not I want to post this. I was afraid of possibly hurting someone's feelings, or making them feel bad. However, I think it's important to remind people. Infertility doesn't go away. Listen up - I'm still infertile.
Now that we're considering trying for another baby, I find myself starting familiar habits again.
I am searching for the best diet for IVF or PCOS, looking for ways to naturally heal, looking for success stories of miracle babies conceived naturally after having to do IVF before, wondering if I'll be one of those lucky ones, wondering if I'm able to go through the heartbreak of another failed cycle.
It's like an older version of myself is trying to come back again. I want to stop her. I don't want to go through those emotions again. As pregnancy announcements come in of friends expecting their second or third babies, I sense it. The tiniest twinge of jealousy, of comparison, of fear of going through it all again.
The fact that I'm a mom at all is a blessing. Some women are still fighting, some moved on to a life without children. I am grateful for my one. But I also feel guilty.
What if I am unable to give him a sibling?
Will Atticus be lonely?
Will he be overly spoiled?
Will he wish he would've had a baby brother or sister?
Will he be sad that his children wont have maternal cousins?
Will he be sad he won't get to be an uncle to a sibling's child?
Will he have the pressure of having to take care of me all by himself when I'm 70 and there's no one else to help him out to share the burden?
As much as everyone means well, it sometimes seems like the journey it took to finally achieve parenthood is diminished or forgotten. Soon after Atticus was born we starting hearing the same old questions, just slightly evolved. Instead of "When are you going to have kids?" we got, "When is the next one?" They seem innocent enough. Reassuring that "next time" we might get a girl. Or even further, "maybe pregnancy cured you" and we'll get pregnant naturally. Like it's that easy. Like my husband's health is magically cured too. (Remember it takes two to tango!)
I may not get to have another baby. I might not want to do IVF again. I don't know what the future holds. All I know right now is, the sound of my biological clock ticking is getting louder in my head again.
I think there are a lot of contributing factors that are unique to each individual on what will allot for a positive outcome for infertility treatments. I spent a lot of time scouring the internet trying to find other people's advice on how they approached their successful IVF cycle. While, there are some things that I think can only go so far; overall, I feel like the changes I made set my body up to be in a healthy place able to nurture an embryo.
Diet
Throughout all three of my IVF cycles, I tried my best to eat as healthy as I could. Before all these fertility troubles surfaced, I thought I ate healthy. I was vegetarian since a teenager, so I had to be eating healthier right? While, I think I wasn't eating as bad as a the Standard American Diet, I did have things I could improve.
I ate bits of sugar here and there, I ate a lot of bread sometimes when I was short on time (quick and easy!), and I probably didn't eat as many vegetables as I knew I needed. So, when our last cycle came around, I tried my best to include healthy plant-based proteins*, plenty of green vegetables, and whole grains. I tried avoiding all sugars like candy, pastries, and ice cream. (wah!) I also did a period of gluten free. Though, I'm not entirely convinced I reaped any benefits since I don't have Coeliac Disease. (Even though, I'll probably do it again for any future IVF cycles).
Also, I ditched the caffeine. I indulged in some decaf every now and then. But found, with the mix of IVF meds, it messed with my stomach so I often regretted coffee in any form. Tea for the win!
*Note: There was a span of about a couple of months before our last cycle, where in my desperate-to-be-a-mother infertilityness I tried eating meat thinking, maybe, just maybe some of the naysayers of vegetarianism were right. Well, I ended up just getting sick to my stomach mostly every day and didn't notice any difference in my symptoms. So, I went back to full on vegetarian and have had a happy tummy since.
Exercise
One of the things I also tend to slack on normally (noticing a trend here?) is exercise. I get into periods where I work out consistently, but overall find it hard with my work schedule. (And as a mother of a toddler? - i'm really struggling with this recently). But, one of my most favorite forms of exercise is yoga. I can do it basically anywhere - like at home, for free. While there is a local yoga studio that I love, they can be a bit pricey - and we all know IVF or infertility treatments in general are pricey as it is. So, I tend to hit up YouTube (my favorite being Yoga With Adriene) and do yoga in the comfort of my own room. I think I was really in a groove during my last IVF cycle, and definitely noticed an increase in strength. (Something I am yearning to get back to soon.)
My therapist (Yes, I started going just to deal with infertility. My husband joined too!) also mentioned the need for some exercise that was more "aggressive" in nature. He simply stated, "there's probably a lot of angry yogis out there, you know?" We can't all thrive on 100% zen, sometimes, we need a more intense outlet. So, I also tried to do some running (intense for me since I suck at it!) and weights. He recommended kickboxing, but those classes are expensive!
When I wasn't doing yoga or running, I walked at work. I tried to take both of my 15 minute breaks to walk the halls, or during my lunch I would time and take 30 minute walks. I used my runkeeper to keep track and also listen to music. This also doubled as a sort of meditative mindful break in my day as well!
Meditation
Which brings me to: meditation. I think this is probably the single handed most important thing I changed. While, this may not have directly impacted my success (Right?! - if one more person says to "just relax and you'll get pregnant") I think lowering the stress/anxiety around my cycle was very helpful. Meditation allowed me to focus on what I can control. I also became more mindful in other aspects of my life, which just overall contributed to a calmer demeanor. I think getting out of my head, and asking for the universe to have my back helped a ton. Whether you believe in a higher power, or not, meditating and delegating your worries out is helpful in lowering stress. It took a lot of the pressure off of me (being my body, my mindset, my eggs, etc) and allowed for me to trust that my body knew what to do, and if it was ready or wasn't.
I know for our future FET cycle, I definitely will go back to gluten-free, limited dairy, and increase my exercise and meditation. It'll be hard to juggle with a toddler, but maybe chasing him around to keep him out of trouble counts as exercise? What different things have you tried during IVF?
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