IVF Mama

Our beautiful baby boy is sleeping great these days. (Knock on wood.) So with the extra time on my hands, I thought I would try (again) to resurrect this blog. Below is a post I wrote but never posted, announcing my pregnancy.

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I'm almost ashamed to write, I had a blog post saved up about how this cycle had failed. I wrote it 6 days past transfer, because I had just gotten a negative home pregnancy test the morning before. I figured, since they were right this time the last two times, it would be the same for this cycle too.

I remained pretty upset. A former coworker announced her pregnancy on Facebook and I woke up sobbing in the middle of the night, having a minor breakdown.

I felt a little better the couple days after that, figuring I'd set up an appointment with a midwife to approach things naturally (I actually emailed her!). I went on with work, feeling mostly angry/disappointed but okay, since this was nothing new.

On Friday, official test day, I took the morning off. I slept in, got up, got ready, and was sort of melancholy. I went to my appointment early. It took me a few minutes to muster up the strength to go inside.

When I gave the nurse my arm she asked if this was my first or second blood draw. I said first. She asked if I'd cheated and tested. I said, "yeah it was negative Monday." She said "Awe maybe it was just too early." In my head i sort of rolled my eyes and said yeah right, i'd heard this before.

Usually, the clinic is fast to call back, an hour or two at most. By noon I still hadn't heard anything. I was getting really nervous as time went on. I tried to do some breathing exercises at my desk as to not over stress myself. I was even rude to someone on the phone, anticipating a negative test.

I decided to take my lunch and go for a walk. If they called, and i was out of the office, I could feel comfortable crying over bad news. I was crossing the street to go to Macy's when the clinic called. I answered in my melancholy "hi *sigh*" She answered "Have you been waiting by the phone? haha! Well, you know we like to see HCG numbers at least 30 . . . " (I thought, hm usually they open with an "i'm sorry we got your test results back and... "). She proceeded to say, "your beta was 147.5"

I was stunned. Am i hearing this right? I was speechless for about a minute. My mouth was open but I didn't know what to say. I sobbed "are you sure?" She said "I thought it might take a minute for you to process. We want you to come back Tuesday for your second blood draw do you have any questions?" She might have thrown in a congratulations in there, but i was too shocked to remember anything other than go back Tuesday!

Immediately after she hung up I dialed Stephan, quiet but sobbing unable to speak the words... "I am pregnant." He laughed as if he knew the whole time, saying I should listen to him more and stress less.

I then proceeded to call my mom, and my friends, and my aunt, cousin, and brother. Yes it was early but we fought so hard for this pregnancy. Everyone knew what we were going through, and if we suffer a loss, they can support us through that. I was on cloud nine.

I've had some minor spotting which they reassured me is normal, though it's still really really scary. I'm trying not to stress, and trust the process. Take it day by day, and be grateful for the gift growing inside me.