IVF Mama

Nine more days. Nine more days until my transfer. What should be a somewhat breezy cycle process now that I'm used to the shots, and have done this all before; has turned out to be a bit more difficult than the prior frozen transfer. Be it stress, diet, or a mix of the two; I've been having some rather unpleasant tummy problems the last few weeks. I think it stemmed from the birth control pill they started me on, coming and going as my hormones fluctuate while my meds change.

Sure I was plagued with an infection, bug, or some other ailment my mind often wanders to, I went to the doctor in hopes of some relief from my IBS-like symptoms. He said "it could be any number of things, I don't think it's anything dangerous, and with your FET cycle, I'm guessing it's something more physiological going on than physical." I left with not really any more knowledge than I already knew. I emailed my IVF nurse to get her take - could it be the meds? She chopped it up to stress. And sent a very reassuring email that almost brought me to tears at my desk. (Hello - one other crazy difference, I've been crying a lot more. I'm not even on progesterone yet!)

Her email read: More than likely it is the stress of the cycle. Relax. De-stress. We are going to get you pregnant.

I think that night I went home and took a bubble bath. I've been trying hard to up my yoga, but with the comings and goings of tummy troubles, it's often difficult to relax 100%. Alas, the whole de-stress advice is easier said than done. I stress about stressing out messing up my cycle, than I stress about my tummy problems somehow getting in the way of my health and me getting all the nutrients I need, and then I stress some more. It's a vicious cycle. I've been dabbling with a Low Fodmap eating approach - keeping it mostly gluten and dairy free. I think those are my main triggers when I'm sensitive or on edge emotionally.

As I sit at home sipping on my third cup of lemon ginger tea, sick from work, I am realizing how soon our next transfer is. This cycle hasn't gone as planned in terms of my health goals. However, I'm trying to remain positive. In an effort to keep my mind of things, I've done some cleaning/rearranging of furniture at home. Cleaning the house is sort of therapeutic for me. Maybe because a messy, dog fur everywhere, dishes piled up, piles of laundry house stresses me out. I need a clean home to relax.

The Home Stretch

by Natalie Higginbotham on 1:10 PM

Nine more days. Nine more days until my transfer. What should be a somewhat breezy cycle process now that I'm used to the shots, and ha...

I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping me busy and active on daily walks. He loves to play fetch and cuddle too! He's a good positive change in our lives, bringing some much needed life and happiness. However, I don't want to get too comfortable. I don't want to lose my drive.

Be it wacky PCOS hormones, or the most recent pregnancy announcements or baby photos on Facebook, I go through bouts of being really unhappy or disappointed with our lives without a child. Infertility. I get mad. I get sad. I become hopeless. After having lunch with my dear cousin one workday, she mentioned she was able to see a therapist at no cost through our work's insurance. (We both work for the State of CA.) My cousin suffered two miscarriages before having her gorgeous baby girl. She said she really thinks it helped her process everything.

So, after a couple of phone calls and a quick Google search, I set up an appointment with a buddhist psychotherapist. I've only been to two sessions so far, and I think it's a good thing. While we don't attack all the emotions I have, he helps guide me to focus on my "narrative." What is going to get me through this? What do I want? How is my story going to end? -- A baby duh!

I've been putting off doing another FET for various reasons: our hippy energy working friend suggesting we don't do another FET, my doubts in our remaining embryos and 27 year old uterus, money, fear, what the meds are doing to my body. It's now or never. I'm only getting older. Time only is getting away from us.

Then a day or so after telling the husband I was ready to try again a former coworker posted on Facebook: "Don't stop because you're tired, stop when you're done." I almost jumped out of my seat. YES. I AM SO FRICKIN TIRED OF INFERTILITY. But am I done? NO way Jose. Even if this FET doesn't work, even if we walk away from our remaining embryos. I'm not done. I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work. Maybe we'll save for an adoption. Maybe we'll live life without kids. Whatever we decide or whatever happens, I want to be okay with our decision. I hope that's where the therapy will help.

Before we jump into the next cycle, I'm trying extra hard to eat really clean and healthy, walk multiple times a day, yoga it up, and remain calm.

Am I Ready?

by Natalie Higginbotham on 8:06 PM

I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping...

One of my favorite bloggers, Carrie on Health, also has PCOS. I've followed her blog for quite some time (she used to be Carrie on Vegan) and I've always appreciated the holistic, food based approach she takes on tackling her health issues. One of the books she recommends for PCOS was Alisa Vitti's Woman Code.

I looked up the reviews on Amazon, and while a lot of people complained the author promoted her online program too much others who had followed the program detailed in her book, had good results. Her book isn't solely for PCOS. It covers a plethora of women's hormonal issues including PMS, irregular cycles, weight loss, etc.

In a nutshell, Alisa approaches hormonal healing by eating certain foods during each phase of our cycles to better support the hormonal reactions going on inside. She was able to heal her own PCOS and adrenal fatigue by doing so.

Her "Flo" program (which I get is clever, seems a little cheesy for me) is made up of the following steps:

Stabilize blood sugar (yes please!)

Coffee on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning stimulates cortisol which talks to our fat cells, which then convert into glucose, and indirectly increases the amount of blood sugar in our system. Whaaaaat? Heartbreaking.

Nurture adrenals (stress, sleep)
Support elimination (skin too!)
Hormonal synchronization (how do you live in cyclical harmony with the hormonal shifts during your cycle)

In addition to food, she emphasizes certain exercise at certain points of our cycle, for instance yoga during our period when our energy is most likely to be low. Save the run for our follicular or ovulatory phase. All these little changes end up supporting our body's natural physiological processes to better allow our bodies' endocrine system to do its job.

I checked the book out of the library just to see if it was something i wanted. I turned it in a few days late full of post it notes and pages dog eared (oops!). So this weekend, I went out and bought a paperback copy.

I've highlighted it, taken notes, and organized my plan of attack. Another woman who follows her program, shared her experience in her blog and on her Instagram and showed off her amazingly organized cupboard. This girl loves organization so of course I was off to Target to look for some cheap bins to get organizing.

Here's my final product:

I hope that by following her eating recommendations and what to eat when in order to stabilize my blood sugar, I'll find some improvement in my PCOS symptoms. One can hope. I'm much more happy using food as my medicine then artificial anything.

Woman Code

by Natalie Higginbotham on 6:42 PM

One of my favorite bloggers, Carrie on Health, also has PCOS. I've followed her blog for quite some time (she used to be Carrie on Vegan...

You may have noticed some things have changed. No, I'm not "giving up." But, what better time to reinvent my blog than the new year?

Of all places for me to be inspired to change my blog handle, it was at my masseuse. We were discussing 2014. I described it as "rough" and "challenging." After she intuitively gave some advice on our approach, she said something that hit home: "Hold a future with kids and without kids on the same level, don't let go of the possibility of having kids, or you'll never make space for one to be made."

This is where I struggle most. I am head over heels in love with a future with kids. I haven't put much thought into one without. Hopefully, I won't have to; but, she really struck a chord with me.

I am so much more than my disease. I'm done with waiting to do all the fun stuff until we have kids. Is it going to be harder to afford treatments? Oh yea. Is it worth it? We'll see! (I think my mental sanity is worth it! - Hello vacations and house renovations.)

So, I changed up the blog look and feel to bring more balance to my thoughts, energy, and journey. This opens me up to blog more about other things which is good because when i'm not in the middle of an IVF cycle, there's not really much to say!

Love,
Higgy