IVF Mama

In light of Jimmy Fallon and his wife's recent birth of their second daughter to surrogacy (Congratulations)! I thought I would look into what other celebrities have gone through infertility in their journey to parenthood. Here's a list I found (via todaysparent.com). I only knew of three of them! This list also fails to mention Beyonce, who went public about her miscarriage.

1. Mariah Carey (miscarriage)

2. Jimmy Fallon (surrogacy)

3. Hugh Jackman (IVF & adoption)

4. Lisa Osbourne (miscarriage)

5. Celine Dion (IVF - 6 times!)

6. Gwen Stefani

7. Sarah Jessica Parker (surrogacy)

8. Nicole Kidman (surrogacy)

9. Courtney Cox (miscarriages)

10. Kim Fields (miscarriages)

11. Brooke Shields

12. Giuliana Rancic (IVF)

Who would've thunk! I think it's great when celebrities can share parts of their story. Raising awareness is really important. It can be such a "taboo" topic to talk about.

I really love Jimmy's quote from an interview he gave after the birth of his first daughter via surrogacy:

"If there's anyone out there who is trying and they're just losing hope … just hang in there... Try every avenue; try anything you can do, 'cause you'll get there. You'll end up with a family, and it's so worth it. It is the most 'worth it' thing."

So inspiring!

Love,
Higgy

CELEBRITIES & INFERTILITY

by Unknown on 8:00 PM

In light of Jimmy Fallon and his wife's recent birth of their second daughter to surrogacy (Congratulations)! I thought I would look in...

The evening before you have to go back to work after a vacation is the worst. Our Thanksgiving break was quiet and went by too quick! We spent most of the week at home, cleaning, watching movies, and trying not to spend money!

We helped our cousins out watching their cats - isn't their newest addition the cutest?

Thanksgiving morning we participated in our first ever 5k - Run to Feed the Hungry. I was really excited about the event, but it was crazy crowded! It took us over an hour to finish the 3 miles because there was hardly any room to move! We still had fun though, and burnt some calories so we could stuff our faces more that evening.

We spent this year's thanksgiving at my aunt's house. I was happy to see my little brother back in town and my cousins and their toddler son also paid a visit. We got our much needed baby fix.

Tuesday I also got some good news back from my recent doctor's appointment. My TPO antibodies test results came back normal (16 to be exact). Thank God! I was so worried there may be something else wrong preventing my pregnancies, but luckily this isn't.

Something to be thankful for. After all these years trying to conceive, it can often be difficult to find things to be grateful for when so much of your life is focused on what you don't have. This test result was a good reminder to see the good we have.

As Christmas fast approaches, I'm ready for the new year. This year was filled with too much heartache between losing our eldest pup Hootie, and two failed IVFs - it needs to end. I always start the year with "this will be our year to get pregnant!" but, i'm not going to this time.

I'm going to try and take things one day at a time.

Love,

Higgy

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

by Natalie Higginbotham on 7:13 PM

The evening before you have to go back to work after a vacation is the worst. Our Thanksgiving break was quiet and went by too quick! We spe...

Google. Provides so many answers, and yet for certain things, you probably shouldn't rely on it. However, in one of my frustrated searches on pcos, infertility, and etc. I found a local diabetic endocrinologist who specializes in PCOS, Dr. K. I was able to get an appointment a couple of weeks after my discovery. Maybe she could provide some advice or insight that other doctor's couldn't.

At the medical group I belong to, there often are medical students asking questions and working side by side with the M.D.s. Dr. C sat me down and asked me the usual health history, TTC history questions. I got the familiar "You're not like a normal PCOS patient, we usually just have them lose weight. I'll have to confer with Dr. K" (What does it take for a thin girl with PCOS be taken seriously???)

Finally, Dr. K came in and asked me why I was here. There wasn't anything she could medically do for me that my previous clomid, IUI, and IVF attempts couldn't. I said I just needed more hope. A better chance. She agreed that while I wait for whenever we decide to do another FET, she could do her best to increase my chances.

The best she could do for me was prescribe a low dose of Metformin ER to sensitize my body to insulin. Hopefully that shortens my cycles, and gives me a couple more shots at trying "naturally" while we wait. IVF Dr. G was reluctant to prescribe Met for my insulin resistance b/c of the weight loss concern, so i'm excited she was willing to find a work around.

I go back in March to get blood drawn to check my Progesterone levels.

She ended our appointment with a large optimistic smile, "Who knows? With life! ... we never know. All we can do is try. It takes time."

I also met with a dietician since Metformin can cause weight loss and I can't afford to lose any. Overall, she didn't have any adjustments to my vegetarian diet and said I was eating perfectly healthy. She recommended I add more avocados, coconut oil, nuts, peanut butter, (fats!) to my diet to maintain my current weight.

Also, as I write this post, we received a $20 check from Kaiser for an overpayment we made for our IUI attempt. Take that infertility!!

Love,
Higgy

Meddling with Metformin

by Natalie Higginbotham on 6:26 PM

Google. Provides so many answers, and yet for certain things, you probably shouldn't rely on it. However, in one of my frustrated search...

We got the call of our beta results on the way to San Francisco. I didn't cry. We had lots of things planned for our weekend and I just needed to wait until we were home to process it all. I also wound up in urgent care after a couple of days of incredible pain i my ear, jaw, and head.

On our way home from the city, still not feeling well from my sinus infection, the pain came again. It was shocking, sharp, and nearly unbearable - radiating down my left ear and jaw. Overwhelmed, I started to cry because it hurt. And then I started to sob. It was as if the emotional pain of another failed IVF manifested itself into physical pain. It was nearly too much to process all at once.

It's hard to decipher how I feel now really. Equal parts grief, anger, and hope. I can't even quantify it really. I've become used to the pain, heartbreak, and disappointment. I feel empty, overwhelmed, and lost all at once. There are moments when I feel nothing. S is my only comfort. He's so positive and reassuring. It's hard because I know he is hurting too, but he wants to be strong for the both of us.

I don't know what's next. That's scary. I don't know how much longer I can fight. The fear of giving up and living my life childless is almost so enthrallingly terrifying I can't breathe. I'm tired of this consuming me. We're stuck. We can't forget about it and keep living and it'll happen when it happens. We can't not think about it. We have to always save. No vacations, no house renovations, no new cars. Every thought, every move, every breath is how this will help or hinder our ability to get pregnant.

I'm losing faith in IVF. In my embryos, In my body. I also don't want to be 35 or 40 when this happens. I know I should be thankful, grateful for it whenever, but that's not the dream. I want to have time to enjoy my child. Also, I cannot even fathom doing this for another 10 years. As much as I am consumed by the longing for a child, I have to remind myself that I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for my marriage. I want my marriage to be happy. I want us to be happy. I don't want to look back on the first decade of our marriage and regret all the effort we put into infertility instead of each other.

For now, i'm trying gluten free and acupuncture again. Hopefully my body will get back on track again quickly and be ready for whatever we decide to do next. I'll let it consume me until there's nothing left.

If something burns your soul

with purpose and desire,

it's your duty to be reduced to ashes by it.

- Charles Bukowski

Love,

Higgy

Ashes

by Natalie Higginbotham on 11:52 AM

We got the call of our beta results on the way to San Francisco. I didn't cry. We had lots of things planned for our weekend and I just ...

Well it's been about six months since we decided to move forward with IVF and I'm still not pregnant.

After our first cycle failed, I knew I wanted to try again ASAP. We waited the recommended one cycle in between, and called to set up our FET. We had some money leftover from our first cycle that I decided not to put towards paying off our IVF loan just in case we needed it for a FET, which we did.

This next cycle had to work I thought. After all, during orientation the nurse said for those who don't get pregnant during a fresh cycle usually end up with a successful FET. We had everything in our favor, age, embryo quality, uterine quality, my hormones were level. This was supposed to be it.

My doctor had to correct himself a couple of times during our FET appointments, saying he was sure this would work "without a doubt," and then quickly redeem his promise with "well fingers crossed."
I was still doubtful going into our second transfer, everything seemed to be going too well. Dr. G was so confident. Maybe I was being too hard on myself, maybe this could really work.

I tried to remain hopeful the couple days after our transfer. Remembering how pessimistic I was the last time. My body, my baby, could hear the negativity. I knew that I wanted nothing but positive thoughts circling this time around. However, as most infertiles know, there comes a point in your cycle when you convince yourself it didn't work. For me, that was about 5 days past transfer. I had bought some digital pregnancy tests at Target the day of our transfer, and was going to save it for the next day. It's a bit of a battle deciding whether I want to continue to hope for the next 5 days, or be put out of my misery. If it's negative, at least I would know. It's hard to have everything build up on a phone call.

It was negative. I cried on my way to work, taking about 5 minutes in my car sitting in the parking lot to compose myself enough to walk in. Slap a fake smile on like I do every day. Having experienced a failed cycle already, I thought a second failure would be easier. I had been through it already, but it's much harder.

Love,
Higgy

Six Months Later

by Natalie Higginbotham on 11:32 AM

Well it's been about six months since we decided to move forward with IVF and I'm still not pregnant. After our first cycle failed...

So can you understand why I want a daughter while i'm still young?

I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty before this damage is done.

But if it's too much to ask too much to ask send me a son.

Suburbs

by Natalie Higginbotham on 7:08 PM

So can you understand why I want a daughter while i'm still young? I wanna hold her hand and show her some beauty before this damage...

Today is 6 days past our 5 day transfer and I'm fighting the urge to take a home pregnancy test. My beta pregnancy test is on Tuesday and although Id like to be beaming with positivity, I just have this feeling it will be negative. I'm sort of preparing myself for it so I'm not entirely devastated.

It's 8 AM and we are eating breakfast in midtown. There's an adorable two year old running around and a little boy in his pajamas rolled out of bed for breakfast. They are so cute. Something so simple and normal to these families looks but a dream to me. How I hope that will be Stephan and I very soon. I want a family.

Breakfast

by Natalie Higginbotham on 8:24 AM

Today is 6 days past our 5 day transfer and I'm fighting the urge to take a home pregnancy test. My beta pregnancy test is on Tuesday an...

All of our ducks are in a row. The lab work is in, the loan is approved, our coordinator is assigned. We are doing IVF in May (assuming there's no bombshells at the ultrasound and HSG next week)! Aaaah!!!!

I'm equal parts excitement, nervousness, and terrified. Time for some daily relaxation yoga sessions for this girl.

Green Light

by Natalie Higginbotham on 2:49 PM

All of our ducks are in a row. The lab work is in, the loan is approved, our coordinator is assigned. We are doing IVF in May (assuming ther...

We had a fundraiser garage sale this past weekend and it was a huge success! We raised just over $1,200 for treatment and i'm beyond thrilled. It was an exhausting day mixed with little sleep and nausea (from the Sprintec perhaps?), but S kept reminding me to drink water and we made it through okay. Can i just stop and say I love my husband? I mean really really love him? Throughout this journey he's been incredibly sound minded, calm, and supportive. I couldn't last a minute without him. I constantly stop and think how wonderfully blessed I am to have him in my life. (I try and remember this when he's driving me crazy as husbands often do) :)

The outpouring of love and support we've received from our friends and family is incredible. What's even more moving is the generosity of complete strangers. It was hard for us to "come out" as infertile, but I'm so relieved we did. Even just knowing there's people thinking of and praying for us is so reassuring.

(In addition, our online fundraiser site has helped us raise about 3,000! So thankfully, we won't have to pay for meds out of pocket, or go into additional debt. A million thank you's to every single person who has supported us.)

Not everything sold, and we donated it to Capital Christian, who is holding a giant yard sale at their church in a couple of weeks. I'll gladly support another cause all whilst getting the leftovers off our hands? - good deal! Good Karma right?? I got a pretty sweet mug set, a vintage looking Old Spaghetti Factory chair I plan on recovering, and a cute vintage looking U.S. Olympics t-shirt. I originally thought S could wear it, but as I tried it on last night, it was clear this was a woman's shirt. I walked out telling S "this is probably more a wife shirt even though it's a little baggy - wouldn't it look cute with a little baby bump under it?" He replied "Anything would." :)

Natalie

Support

by Natalie Higginbotham on 3:36 PM

We had a fundraiser garage sale this past weekend and it was a huge success! We raised just over $1,200 for treatment and i'm beyon...

We had our "next steps" appointment with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist - a fancy term for infertility OBGYN) Dr. G last Thursday. After reviewing our lab work and files again reconfirming the "you need IVF" diagnosis, we were advised to start birth control - Sprintec to be exact - and that my IVF coordinator would be calling to schedule the classes (I believe one is injections and one is an overview of the IVF process) and to get our treatment calendar.

We are approved for our med loan ($11,000 - not including the $3,000 we'll need for meds) and have been advised to let the financial coordinator know by April 28th whether or not we are going to cycle in May. The hubby, "S" went in for some updated blood work after work on Friday, and we're just waiting to get those in before moving forward with our calendar/classes. Our coordinator also mentioned scheduling my baseline ultrasound and an updated HSG (an x-ray where they insert a catheter into your uterus, shoot some saline solution inside, and get an idea if your tubes are blocked or if there's anything funky going on with your uterus). Mine was normal last time, so i'm praying that i've only improved.

I'm anxious to hear back, because 4/28 is quickly approaching and I don't think we'd be doing all these steps if we weren't cycling in May. My cousin, L, generously offered to come with me to this appointment. I will more than likely take her up on this offer. I always need a second set of ears at these things; or maybe I should invest in a recorder? :)

Natalie

Next Steps . . .

by Natalie Higginbotham on 2:57 PM

We had our "next steps" appointment with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist - a fancy term for infertility OBGYN) Dr. G last Th...

It's funny how things change quickly. Decisions for me aren't easy. Whether it's what to eat for dinner, what to wear, and definitely how to face infertility. But in a matter of one night's sleep I changed my mind.

When we received the husband's most recent analysis, noting little to no improvement in the motility category, I think I knew that minute what we needed to do. It was something that we had been fighting, that we had been saying over and over "it's not for us." However, I knew that in the end, i'd be lying to myself if I didn't think I wasn't going to try every possible means to reach my goal of parenthood.

Funny enough, when we decided over breakfast, OK we're for sure moving forward with this, I think we both felt an immense relief. For me, I think a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. IVF has always been a "last resort," "down the line," "later", "maybe when we're 30" thought for us; but, here it was facing us right now.

The many trepidations I have with IVF are still a concern, but they're something i'm willing to risk. I keep reminding myself, "Whatever it takes!"

And, as I sit facing my third nightly dose of birth control pill, I think it's a bit ironic. Sure, i'm worried. Just a month ago I swore over and over that I would NEVER EVER go on the birth control pill again. I was convinced it's what brought on my PCOS (though all my doctors scoff at the idea when I bring it up). I was going to do this the hippy dippy, natural, less invasive, holistic way. Who knows if my ovaries will shut down when this is all said and done, and I'll need another month's worth of acupuncture sessions to jump start their productivity? But - it's a risk i'm willing to take. Seeing the progress i've made, and that I know I can do on my own, without hormones, I have faith that I will be able to restore to my "old self" after IVF (and hopefully childbirth) is over.

Main Concerns:

OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome - not fun)

Wasting 11,000 and ending up with no embryos

Wasting 11,000 ending up pregnant, and miscarrying

Wasting 11,000 ending up not getting pregnant

Debt

Alas, time is of the essence when it comes to my reproductive organs, and i'm ready to be done.

Natalie

Change of Heart

by Natalie Higginbotham on 2:36 PM

It's funny how things change quickly. Decisions for me aren't easy. Whether it's what to eat for dinner, what to wear, and defin...

As this is my first blog post, my thoughts are a little fragmented. I think, however, that the title for this blog is appropriate.

I was listening to Arcade Fire's "Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles)" and it will forever stick with me:

They say a watched pot won't ever boil

you can't raise a baby on motor oil

just like a seed down in the soil you gotta give it time.

My husband and I have been struggling to "sprout" new life for almost 2 years now.

I felt it was a good time to start a blog. Hopefully, I'll be able to share my story and get inspiration from others' stories. I follow a couple of other TTC blogs and think it's a great way to connect.

When you're trying to conceive, you get tons of advice. Most of it unwarranted, and all of it just that: advice. I have been told to keep my situation private. That it's too emotional and intimate to share. I think that I feel empowered to share my story. I think the issues at hand (more on that later) are not often spoke of, and infertility should not be kept quiet. We get through this by the support of others.

Natalie