Nine more days. Nine more days until my transfer. What should be a somewhat breezy cycle process now that I'm used to the shots, and have done this all before; has turned out to be a bit more difficult than the prior frozen transfer. Be it stress, diet, or a mix of the two; I've been having some rather unpleasant tummy problems the last few weeks. I think it stemmed from the birth control pill they started me on, coming and going as my hormones fluctuate while my meds change. 

Sure I was plagued with an infection, bug, or some other ailment my mind often wanders to, I went to the doctor in hopes of some relief from my IBS-like symptoms. He said "it could be any number of things, I don't think it's anything dangerous, and with your FET cycle, I'm guessing it's something more physiological going on than physical." I left with not really any more knowledge than I already knew. I emailed my IVF nurse to get her take - could it be the meds? She chopped it up to stress. And sent a very reassuring email that almost brought me to tears at my desk. (Hello - one other crazy difference, I've been crying a lot more. I'm not even on progesterone yet!)

Her email read:  More than likely it is the stress of the cycle. Relax. De-stress. We are going to get you pregnant.
I think that night I went home and took a bubble bath. I've been trying hard to up my yoga, but with the comings and goings of tummy troubles, it's often difficult to relax 100%. Alas, the whole de-stress advice is easier said than done. I stress about stressing out messing up my cycle, than I stress about my tummy problems somehow getting in the way of my health and me getting all the nutrients I need, and then I stress some more. It's a vicious cycle. I've been dabbling with a Low Fodmap eating approach - keeping it mostly gluten and dairy free. I think those are my main triggers when I'm sensitive or on edge emotionally.

As I sit at home sipping on my third cup of lemon ginger tea, sick from work, I am realizing how soon our next transfer is. This cycle hasn't gone as planned in terms of my health goals. However, I'm trying to remain positive. In an effort to keep my mind of things, I've done some cleaning/rearranging of furniture at home. Cleaning the house is sort of therapeutic for me. Maybe because a messy, dog fur everywhere, dishes piled up, piles of laundry house stresses me out. I need a clean home to relax.
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I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping me busy and active on daily walks. He loves to play fetch and cuddle too! He's a good positive change in our lives, bringing some much needed life and happiness. However, I don't want to get too comfortable. I don't want to lose my drive.


Be it wacky PCOS hormones, or the most recent pregnancy announcements or baby photos on Facebook, I go through bouts of being really unhappy or disappointed with our lives without a child. Infertility. I get mad. I get sad. I become hopeless. After having lunch with my dear cousin one workday, she mentioned she was able to see a therapist at no cost through our work's insurance. (We both work for the State of CA.) My cousin suffered two miscarriages before having her gorgeous baby girl. She said she really thinks it helped her process everything.

So, after a couple of phone calls and a quick Google search, I set up an appointment with a buddhist psychotherapist. I've only been to two sessions so far, and I think it's a good thing. While we don't attack all the emotions I have, he helps guide me to focus on my "narrative." What is going to get me through this? What do I want? How is my story going to end? -- A baby duh!

I've been putting off doing another FET for various reasons: our hippy energy working friend suggesting we don't do another FET, my doubts in our remaining embryos and 27 year old uterus, money, fear, what the meds are doing to my body. It's now or never. I'm only getting older. Time only is getting away from us.

Then a day or so after telling the husband I was ready to try again a former coworker posted on Facebook: "Don't stop because you're tired, stop when you're done." I almost jumped out of my seat. YES. I AM SO FRICKIN TIRED OF INFERTILITY. But am I done? NO way Jose. Even if this FET doesn't work, even if we walk away from our remaining embryos. I'm not done. I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work. Maybe we'll save for an adoption. Maybe we'll live life without kids. Whatever we decide or whatever happens, I want to be okay with our decision. I hope that's where the therapy will help.

Before we jump into the next cycle, I'm trying extra hard to eat really clean and healthy, walk multiple times a day, yoga it up, and remain calm.

Am I Ready?

by on 8:06 PM
I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping...
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One of my favorite bloggers, Carrie on Health, also has PCOS. I've followed her blog for quite some time (she used to be Carrie on Vegan) and I've always appreciated the holistic, food based approach she takes on tackling her health issues. One of the books she recommends for PCOS was Alisa Vitti's Woman Code.

I looked up the reviews on Amazon, and while a lot of people complained the author promoted her online program too much others who had followed the program detailed in her book, had good results. Her book isn't solely for PCOS. It covers a plethora of women's hormonal issues including PMS, irregular cycles, weight loss, etc.



In a nutshell, Alisa approaches hormonal healing by eating certain foods during each phase of our cycles to better support the hormonal reactions going on inside. She was able to heal her own PCOS and adrenal fatigue by doing so.

Her "Flo" program (which I get is clever, seems a little cheesy for me) is made up of the following steps:

  1. Stabilize blood sugar (yes please!)
  • Coffee on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning stimulates cortisol which talks to our fat cells, which then convert into glucose, and indirectly increases the amount of blood sugar in our system. Whaaaaat? Heartbreaking.
  1. Nurture adrenals (stress, sleep)
  2. Support elimination (skin too!)
  3. Hormonal synchronization (how do you live in cyclical harmony with the hormonal shifts during your cycle)
In addition to food, she emphasizes certain exercise at certain points of our cycle, for instance yoga during our period when our energy is most likely to be low.  Save the run for our follicular or ovulatory phase. All these little changes end up supporting our body's natural physiological processes to better allow our bodies' endocrine system to do its job.

I checked the book out of the library just to see if it was something i wanted. I turned it in a few days late full of post it notes and pages dog eared (oops!). So this weekend, I went out and bought a paperback copy.

I've highlighted it, taken notes, and organized my plan of attack. Another woman who follows her program, shared her experience in her blog and on her Instagram and showed off her amazingly organized cupboard. This girl loves organization so of course I was off to Target to look for some cheap bins to get organizing.

Here's my final product:



I hope that by following her eating recommendations and what to eat when in order to stabilize my blood sugar, I'll find some improvement in my PCOS symptoms. One can hope. I'm much more happy using food as my medicine then artificial anything.

Woman Code

by on 6:42 PM
One of my favorite bloggers, Carrie on Health, also has PCOS. I've followed her blog for quite some time (she used to be Carrie on Vegan...
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You may have noticed some things have changed. No, I'm not "giving up." But, what better time to reinvent my blog than the new year?

Of all places for me to be inspired to change my blog handle, it was at my masseuse. We were discussing 2014. I described it as "rough" and "challenging." After she intuitively gave some advice on our approach, she said something that hit home: "Hold a future with kids and without kids on the same level, don't let go of the possibility of having kids, or you'll never make space for one to be made."

This is where I struggle most. I am head over heels in love with a future with kids. I haven't put much thought into one without. Hopefully, I won't have to; but, she really struck a chord with me.

I am so much more than my disease. I'm done with waiting to do all the fun stuff until we have kids. Is it going to be harder to afford treatments? Oh yea. Is it worth it? We'll see! (I think my mental sanity is worth it! - Hello vacations and house renovations.)

So, I changed up the blog look and feel to bring more balance to my thoughts, energy, and journey. This opens me up to blog more about other things which is good because when i'm not in the middle of an IVF cycle, there's not really much to say!

Love,
Higgy
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In light of Jimmy Fallon and his wife's recent birth of their second daughter to surrogacy (Congratulations)! I thought I would look into what other celebrities have gone through infertility in their journey to parenthood. Here's a list I found (via todaysparent.com). I only knew of three of them! This list also fails to mention Beyonce, who went public about her miscarriage.

1. Mariah Carey (miscarriage)
2. Jimmy Fallon (surrogacy)
3. Hugh Jackman (IVF & adoption)
4. Lisa Osbourne (miscarriage)
5. Celine Dion (IVF - 6 times!)
6. Gwen Stefani
7. Sarah Jessica Parker (surrogacy)
8. Nicole Kidman (surrogacy)
9. Courtney Cox (miscarriages)
10. Kim Fields (miscarriages)
11. Brooke Shields
12. Giuliana Rancic (IVF)

Who would've thunk! I think it's great when celebrities can share parts of their story. Raising awareness is really important. It can be such a "taboo" topic to talk about.

I really love Jimmy's quote from an interview he gave after the birth of his first daughter via surrogacy:

"If there's anyone out there who is trying and they're just losing hope … just hang in there... Try every avenue; try anything you can do, 'cause you'll get there. You'll end up with a family, and it's so worth it. It is the most 'worth it' thing." 

So inspiring!

 Love,
Higgy

CELEBRITIES & INFERTILITY

by on 8:00 PM
In light of Jimmy Fallon and his wife's recent birth of their second daughter to surrogacy (Congratulations)! I thought I would look in...
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The evening before you have to go back to work after a vacation is the worst. Our Thanksgiving break was quiet and went by too quick! We spent most of the week at home, cleaning, watching movies, and trying not to spend money!

We helped our cousins out watching their cats - isn't their newest addition the cutest?

Thanksgiving morning we participated in our first ever 5k - Run to Feed the Hungry. I was really excited about the event, but it was crazy crowded! It took us over an hour to finish the 3 miles because there was hardly any room to move! We still had fun though, and burnt some calories so we could stuff our faces more that evening.

We spent this year's thanksgiving at my aunt's house. I was happy to see my little brother back in town and my cousins and their toddler son also paid a visit. We got our much needed baby fix.

Tuesday I also got some good news back from my recent doctor's appointment. My TPO antibodies test results came back normal (16 to be exact). Thank God! I was so worried there may be something else wrong preventing my pregnancies, but luckily this isn't.

Something to be thankful for. After all these years trying to conceive, it can often be difficult to find things to be grateful for when so much of your life is focused on what you don't have. This test result was a good reminder to see the good we have.

As Christmas fast approaches, I'm ready for the new year. This year was filled with too much heartache between losing our eldest pup Hootie, and two failed IVFs - it needs to end. I always start the year with "this will be our year to get pregnant!" but, i'm not going to this time.

I'm going to try and take things one day at a time.

Love,
Higgy
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Google. Provides so many answers, and yet for certain things, you probably shouldn't rely on it. However, in one of my frustrated searches on pcos, infertility, and etc. I found a local diabetic endocrinologist who specializes in PCOS, Dr. K. I was able to get an appointment a couple of weeks after my discovery. Maybe she could provide some advice or insight that other doctor's couldn't.


At the medical group I belong to, there often are medical students asking questions and working side by side with the M.D.s. Dr. C sat me down and asked me the usual health history, TTC history questions. I got the familiar "You're not like a normal PCOS patient, we usually just have them lose weight. I'll have to confer with Dr. K" (What does it take for a thin girl with PCOS be taken seriously???) 

Finally, Dr. K came in and asked me why I was here. There wasn't anything she could medically do for me that my previous clomid, IUI, and IVF attempts couldn't. I said I just needed more hope. A better chance. She agreed that while I wait for whenever we decide to do another FET, she could do her best to increase my chances. 

The best she could do for me was prescribe a low dose of Metformin ER to sensitize my body to insulin. Hopefully that shortens my cycles, and gives me a couple more shots at trying "naturally" while we wait. IVF Dr. G was reluctant to prescribe Met for my insulin resistance b/c of the weight loss concern, so i'm excited she was willing to find a work around. 

I go back in March to get blood drawn to check my Progesterone levels.

She ended our appointment with a large optimistic smile, "Who knows? With life! ... we never know. All we can do is try. It takes time."

I also met with a dietician since Metformin can cause weight loss and I can't afford to lose any. Overall, she didn't have any adjustments to my vegetarian diet and said I was eating perfectly healthy. She recommended I add more avocados, coconut oil, nuts, peanut butter, (fats!) to my diet to maintain my current weight.

Also, as I write this post, we received a $20 check from Kaiser for an overpayment we made for our IUI attempt. Take that infertility!!

Love,
Higgy
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