our neighbor has a glorious urban garden. he has a fig tree which we love, muscadine grapes, and overflowing now, a peach tree. they are small, but sweet, and falling to the ground. he let us come grab what we wanted and I thought i would bake a couple of peach galettes to make use of how many there were.

i found a recipe for a home made dough that i attempted to bake saturday, to the upmost failure. it was hard and weird. so, seeing some people on instragram using puff pastry, i decided to take the lazy baker's approach.

normally, i try and avoid any added sugar. we've the same bag in the cupboard forever. sugar lasts forever right? however, it being our anniversary weekend, i thought i would indulge a bit. i made two variations, peach blackberry and lavender peach.

lavender + peach

ingredients
1 puff pastry sheet, thawed
2 large peaches
juice of 1/2 a lemon
1/2 tbsp. lavender
1/2 - 1 tbsp. sugar
sprinkle of cinnamon
a bit of Earth Balance (or butter if you're okay using that)


blackberry + peach

ingredients
1 puff pastry sheet, thawed
2 large peaches
juice of 1/2 a lemon
a few blackberries
1/2 - 1 tbsp. sugar
sprinkle of cinnamon
a bit of Earth Balance (or butter if you're okay using that)

in two bowls, mix the ingredients for each of the fillings. line a baking sheet or two with parchment paper. arrange (or pour if you're short on time!) the peach filling onto the puff pastry squares leaving an inch or so border. fold the pastry over forming a crust. dollop with a couple pieces of earth balance. bake for 15-20 minutes.

i plan on serving mine with some dairy free vanilla ice cream. what goes better than peaches and vanilla? yum. This brand is my favorite vegan ice cream.
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we celebrated 5 years of marriage on sunday. in the past, we've planned weekend getaways to the coast to celebrate. sonoma county is our favorite spot. while we didn't have time for an escape this year, i think this is probably the happiest anniversary yet. we went to breakfast on Saturday, did our normal errands and chores, and had a picnic in our backyard before the sun became too scorching.

for dinner, we went on our first date night since atticus was born. it is hard to leave him. he is an extension of me. however, i know i owe it to my amazing husband a quick dinner out just the two of us where he can have all of my attention. (even if we ended up talking about our baby the whole night.)

we were husband and wife first before mom and dad. it is important to keep feeding our love. i want it to continue to blossom in hopes that we can set a good example of love for atticus.
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he is 6 months now, and they've been simply the best months of my life. ever. here are a few pictures we had done to celebrate 1/2 a year our baby. he's such a chatty boy. cooing, squealing, and yelling a bunch. he gets mad at his toys, excited when he plays with them, reaches for his puppy, drools all over us, and his smile kills me.

he has a birthmark on his left thigh, and we think a similar one under his chin. his lashes are long and growing in red. his dimples are deep when he smiles. his laughter is the antidote to any bad mood or difficult day.

he still won't take a bottle or a pacifier. he is wobbly when seated but will most likely soon be crawling.

i look at him and don't even know how we got so lucky. all the pain of infertility, and we overcame it. he's my greatest joy. three years of waiting i would do all over again knowing we get him in the end.




(yikes frizzy hair)


                   
i remember being so frustrated over the years with each failed cycle. i tried to cheer myself up by saying that whenever our baby gets here it won't be a moment too soon. it'll be right when we need it, and they will be meant for us. not to rush the process.

i look at him and it all makes sense. he was meant for us. everything was leading to him.

he is my everything.

6 Months

by on 7:36 PM
he is 6 months now, and they've been simply the best months of my life. ever. here are a few pictures we had done to celebrate 1/2 a yea...
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Atticus Michael

Born 11:40 am
6 lbs. 9 oz.
19.5 inches

Does anyone have the perfect birth? During the years of infertility, one thing I often thought of, and had plenty of time to research was birth. A few years ago I watched The Business of Being Born on Netflix and was convinced I would have a natural birth. I had a few friends who managed natural hospital births, so thought this was something I could do too. I hired a doula, read books, blogs, and made sure my doctor knew my birth plan. (I called it a birth "wish list" since so much is out of our control - how can one really "plan" it?)

Then, a couple of months before January, Atticus decided he was going to turn breech. I actually think I know the exact moment this happened. I was getting my first prenatal massage from my energy-working masseuse. At one point during the massage, Atticus moved so fast an strong and you could see the movements from the outside. It was the craziest movement I'd felt my whole pregnancy.

Around 37 weeks, my doctor wanted to attempt a external cephalic version (ECV). The morning of the procedure, the many doctors conferred and decided there was not enough room in my baby belly so we didn't attempt it.

My c-section was scheduled for two weeks later. I was very disappointed I didn't have the chance to get the natural birth I had dreamt of, but I was so eager to meet our baby boy, the disappointment soon faded. However, the thought of being awake and getting sliced open was stressing. me. out. 

I maintained a pretty relaxed demeanor the morning of his birth. The nerves started when I had to walk back to the operating room by myself. Stephan was in a separate sterile room waiting until we could meet in the OR. The room was bright, freezing cold, and a lot different than what I was expecting.

I sat on the operating table and the anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm my nerves. I said yes before he even finished his sentence. They inserted the needle in my back (which I honestly don't even remember!) and I laid down. Stephan met me back shortly after and they got started.

Having someone riffle around in your insides is the weirdest sensation ever. It is not pleasant. During the procedure I remember thinking, "I never want to do this ever again." The doctor commented on how beautiful my ovaries were, asking how long ago my PCOS diagnosis was. That made me laugh (oh the irony)! In an effort to get my mind off of the surgery, I had Stephan pull up Facebook on his phone so I could try and stay distracted. Soon, I heard Atticus was butt first, then "he has red hair!" Next, the most beautiful sound - his cry. My doctor brought him over to show me and he was whisked away. 

One thing that surprises me still - is the fact that I didn't cry. I think the "calm down" medicine they gave me sort of warped my perception of things. It was all a very fuzzy surreal experience. I remember after he was wrapped up in a blanket, they placed him on my chest. His tiny body was covering my face making it hard to breathe - but I didn't care. He was finally here.

c-section, pregnant after infertility, birth
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pregnant after infertility, pcos, ivf


Our beautiful baby boy is sleeping great these days. (Knock on wood.) So with the extra time on my hands, I thought I would try (again) to resurrect this blog. Below is a post I wrote but never posted, announcing my pregnancy.

___________________________________________


I'm almost ashamed to write, I had a blog post saved up about how this cycle had failed. I wrote it 6 days past transfer, because I had just gotten a negative home pregnancy test the morning before. I figured, since they were right this time the last two times, it would be the same for this cycle too.

I remained pretty upset. A former coworker announced her pregnancy on Facebook and I woke up sobbing in the middle of the night, having a minor breakdown.

I felt a little better the couple days after that, figuring I'd set up an appointment with a midwife to approach things naturally (I actually emailed her!). I went on with work, feeling mostly angry/disappointed but okay, since this was nothing new.

On Friday, official test day, I took the morning off. I slept in, got up, got ready, and was sort of melancholy. I went to my appointment early. It took me a few minutes to muster up the strength to go inside.

When I gave the nurse my arm she asked if this was my first or second blood draw. I said first. She asked if I'd cheated and tested. I said, "yeah it was negative Monday." She said "Awe maybe it was just too early." In my head i sort of rolled my eyes and said yeah right, i'd heard this before.

Usually, the clinic is fast to call back, an hour or two at most. By noon I still hadn't heard anything. I was getting really nervous as time went on. I tried to do some breathing exercises at my desk as to not  over stress myself. I was even rude to someone on the phone, anticipating a negative test.

I decided to take my lunch and go for a walk. If they called, and i was out of the office, I could feel comfortable crying over bad news. I was crossing the street to go to Macy's when the clinic called. I answered in my melancholy "hi *sigh*" She answered "Have you been waiting by the phone? haha! Well, you know we like to see HCG numbers at least 30 . . . " (I thought, hm usually they open with an "i'm sorry we got your test results back and... "). She proceeded to say, "your beta was 147.5"

I was stunned. Am i hearing this right? I was speechless for about a minute. My mouth was open but I didn't know what to say. I sobbed "are you sure?" She said "I thought it might take a minute for you to process. We want you to come back Tuesday for your second blood draw do you have any questions?" She might have thrown in a congratulations in there, but i was too shocked to remember anything other than go back Tuesday!

Immediately after she hung up I dialed Stephan, quiet but sobbing unable to speak the words... "I am pregnant." He laughed as if he knew the whole time, saying I should listen to him more and stress less.

I then proceeded to call my mom, and my friends, and my aunt, cousin, and brother. Yes it was early but we fought so hard for this pregnancy. Everyone knew what we were going through, and if we suffer a loss, they can support us through that. I was on cloud nine.

I've had some minor spotting which they reassured me is normal, though it's still really really scary. I'm trying not to stress, and trust the process. Take it day by day, and be grateful for the gift growing inside me.

We're Pregnant

by on 9:46 AM
Our beautiful baby boy is sleeping great these days. (Knock on wood.) So with the extra time on my hands, I thought I would try (again...
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Nine more days. Nine more days until my transfer. What should be a somewhat breezy cycle process now that I'm used to the shots, and have done this all before; has turned out to be a bit more difficult than the prior frozen transfer. Be it stress, diet, or a mix of the two; I've been having some rather unpleasant tummy problems the last few weeks. I think it stemmed from the birth control pill they started me on, coming and going as my hormones fluctuate while my meds change. 

Sure I was plagued with an infection, bug, or some other ailment my mind often wanders to, I went to the doctor in hopes of some relief from my IBS-like symptoms. He said "it could be any number of things, I don't think it's anything dangerous, and with your FET cycle, I'm guessing it's something more physiological going on than physical." I left with not really any more knowledge than I already knew. I emailed my IVF nurse to get her take - could it be the meds? She chopped it up to stress. And sent a very reassuring email that almost brought me to tears at my desk. (Hello - one other crazy difference, I've been crying a lot more. I'm not even on progesterone yet!)

Her email read:  More than likely it is the stress of the cycle. Relax. De-stress. We are going to get you pregnant.
I think that night I went home and took a bubble bath. I've been trying hard to up my yoga, but with the comings and goings of tummy troubles, it's often difficult to relax 100%. Alas, the whole de-stress advice is easier said than done. I stress about stressing out messing up my cycle, than I stress about my tummy problems somehow getting in the way of my health and me getting all the nutrients I need, and then I stress some more. It's a vicious cycle. I've been dabbling with a Low Fodmap eating approach - keeping it mostly gluten and dairy free. I think those are my main triggers when I'm sensitive or on edge emotionally.

As I sit at home sipping on my third cup of lemon ginger tea, sick from work, I am realizing how soon our next transfer is. This cycle hasn't gone as planned in terms of my health goals. However, I'm trying to remain positive. In an effort to keep my mind of things, I've done some cleaning/rearranging of furniture at home. Cleaning the house is sort of therapeutic for me. Maybe because a messy, dog fur everywhere, dishes piled up, piles of laundry house stresses me out. I need a clean home to relax.
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I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping me busy and active on daily walks. He loves to play fetch and cuddle too! He's a good positive change in our lives, bringing some much needed life and happiness. However, I don't want to get too comfortable. I don't want to lose my drive.


Be it wacky PCOS hormones, or the most recent pregnancy announcements or baby photos on Facebook, I go through bouts of being really unhappy or disappointed with our lives without a child. Infertility. I get mad. I get sad. I become hopeless. After having lunch with my dear cousin one workday, she mentioned she was able to see a therapist at no cost through our work's insurance. (We both work for the State of CA.) My cousin suffered two miscarriages before having her gorgeous baby girl. She said she really thinks it helped her process everything.

So, after a couple of phone calls and a quick Google search, I set up an appointment with a buddhist psychotherapist. I've only been to two sessions so far, and I think it's a good thing. While we don't attack all the emotions I have, he helps guide me to focus on my "narrative." What is going to get me through this? What do I want? How is my story going to end? -- A baby duh!

I've been putting off doing another FET for various reasons: our hippy energy working friend suggesting we don't do another FET, my doubts in our remaining embryos and 27 year old uterus, money, fear, what the meds are doing to my body. It's now or never. I'm only getting older. Time only is getting away from us.

Then a day or so after telling the husband I was ready to try again a former coworker posted on Facebook: "Don't stop because you're tired, stop when you're done." I almost jumped out of my seat. YES. I AM SO FRICKIN TIRED OF INFERTILITY. But am I done? NO way Jose. Even if this FET doesn't work, even if we walk away from our remaining embryos. I'm not done. I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work. Maybe we'll save for an adoption. Maybe we'll live life without kids. Whatever we decide or whatever happens, I want to be okay with our decision. I hope that's where the therapy will help.

Before we jump into the next cycle, I'm trying extra hard to eat really clean and healthy, walk multiple times a day, yoga it up, and remain calm.

Am I Ready?

by on 8:06 PM
I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping...
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