One of my favorite bloggers, Carrie on Health, also has PCOS. I've followed her blog for quite some time (she used to be Carrie on Vegan) and I've always appreciated the holistic, food based approach she takes on tackling her health issues. One of the books she recommends for PCOS was Alisa Vitti's Woman Code.

I looked up the reviews on Amazon, and while a lot of people complained the author promoted her online program too much others who had followed the program detailed in her book, had good results. Her book isn't solely for PCOS. It covers a plethora of women's hormonal issues including PMS, irregular cycles, weight loss, etc.



In a nutshell, Alisa approaches hormonal healing by eating certain foods during each phase of our cycles to better support the hormonal reactions going on inside. She was able to heal her own PCOS and adrenal fatigue by doing so.

Her "Flo" program (which I get is clever, seems a little cheesy for me) is made up of the following steps:

  1. Stabilize blood sugar (yes please!)
  • Coffee on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning stimulates cortisol which talks to our fat cells, which then convert into glucose, and indirectly increases the amount of blood sugar in our system. Whaaaaat? Heartbreaking.
  1. Nurture adrenals (stress, sleep)
  2. Support elimination (skin too!)
  3. Hormonal synchronization (how do you live in cyclical harmony with the hormonal shifts during your cycle)
In addition to food, she emphasizes certain exercise at certain points of our cycle, for instance yoga during our period when our energy is most likely to be low.  Save the run for our follicular or ovulatory phase. All these little changes end up supporting our body's natural physiological processes to better allow our bodies' endocrine system to do its job.

I checked the book out of the library just to see if it was something i wanted. I turned it in a few days late full of post it notes and pages dog eared (oops!). So this weekend, I went out and bought a paperback copy.

I've highlighted it, taken notes, and organized my plan of attack. Another woman who follows her program, shared her experience in her blog and on her Instagram and showed off her amazingly organized cupboard. This girl loves organization so of course I was off to Target to look for some cheap bins to get organizing.

Here's my final product:



I hope that by following her eating recommendations and what to eat when in order to stabilize my blood sugar, I'll find some improvement in my PCOS symptoms. One can hope. I'm much more happy using food as my medicine then artificial anything.

Woman Code

by on 6:42 PM
One of my favorite bloggers, Carrie on Health, also has PCOS. I've followed her blog for quite some time (she used to be Carrie on Vegan...
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You may have noticed some things have changed. No, I'm not "giving up." But, what better time to reinvent my blog than the new year?

Of all places for me to be inspired to change my blog handle, it was at my masseuse. We were discussing 2014. I described it as "rough" and "challenging." After she intuitively gave some advice on our approach, she said something that hit home: "Hold a future with kids and without kids on the same level, don't let go of the possibility of having kids, or you'll never make space for one to be made."

This is where I struggle most. I am head over heels in love with a future with kids. I haven't put much thought into one without. Hopefully, I won't have to; but, she really struck a chord with me.

I am so much more than my disease. I'm done with waiting to do all the fun stuff until we have kids. Is it going to be harder to afford treatments? Oh yea. Is it worth it? We'll see! (I think my mental sanity is worth it! - Hello vacations and house renovations.)

So, I changed up the blog look and feel to bring more balance to my thoughts, energy, and journey. This opens me up to blog more about other things which is good because when i'm not in the middle of an IVF cycle, there's not really much to say!

Love,
Higgy
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In light of Jimmy Fallon and his wife's recent birth of their second daughter to surrogacy (Congratulations)! I thought I would look into what other celebrities have gone through infertility in their journey to parenthood. Here's a list I found (via todaysparent.com). I only knew of three of them! This list also fails to mention Beyonce, who went public about her miscarriage.

1. Mariah Carey (miscarriage)
2. Jimmy Fallon (surrogacy)
3. Hugh Jackman (IVF & adoption)
4. Lisa Osbourne (miscarriage)
5. Celine Dion (IVF - 6 times!)
6. Gwen Stefani
7. Sarah Jessica Parker (surrogacy)
8. Nicole Kidman (surrogacy)
9. Courtney Cox (miscarriages)
10. Kim Fields (miscarriages)
11. Brooke Shields
12. Giuliana Rancic (IVF)

Who would've thunk! I think it's great when celebrities can share parts of their story. Raising awareness is really important. It can be such a "taboo" topic to talk about.

I really love Jimmy's quote from an interview he gave after the birth of his first daughter via surrogacy:

"If there's anyone out there who is trying and they're just losing hope … just hang in there... Try every avenue; try anything you can do, 'cause you'll get there. You'll end up with a family, and it's so worth it. It is the most 'worth it' thing." 

So inspiring!

 Love,
Higgy

CELEBRITIES & INFERTILITY

by on 8:00 PM
In light of Jimmy Fallon and his wife's recent birth of their second daughter to surrogacy (Congratulations)! I thought I would look in...
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The evening before you have to go back to work after a vacation is the worst. Our Thanksgiving break was quiet and went by too quick! We spent most of the week at home, cleaning, watching movies, and trying not to spend money!

We helped our cousins out watching their cats - isn't their newest addition the cutest?

Thanksgiving morning we participated in our first ever 5k - Run to Feed the Hungry. I was really excited about the event, but it was crazy crowded! It took us over an hour to finish the 3 miles because there was hardly any room to move! We still had fun though, and burnt some calories so we could stuff our faces more that evening.

We spent this year's thanksgiving at my aunt's house. I was happy to see my little brother back in town and my cousins and their toddler son also paid a visit. We got our much needed baby fix.

Tuesday I also got some good news back from my recent doctor's appointment. My TPO antibodies test results came back normal (16 to be exact). Thank God! I was so worried there may be something else wrong preventing my pregnancies, but luckily this isn't.

Something to be thankful for. After all these years trying to conceive, it can often be difficult to find things to be grateful for when so much of your life is focused on what you don't have. This test result was a good reminder to see the good we have.

As Christmas fast approaches, I'm ready for the new year. This year was filled with too much heartache between losing our eldest pup Hootie, and two failed IVFs - it needs to end. I always start the year with "this will be our year to get pregnant!" but, i'm not going to this time.

I'm going to try and take things one day at a time.

Love,
Higgy
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Google. Provides so many answers, and yet for certain things, you probably shouldn't rely on it. However, in one of my frustrated searches on pcos, infertility, and etc. I found a local diabetic endocrinologist who specializes in PCOS, Dr. K. I was able to get an appointment a couple of weeks after my discovery. Maybe she could provide some advice or insight that other doctor's couldn't.


At the medical group I belong to, there often are medical students asking questions and working side by side with the M.D.s. Dr. C sat me down and asked me the usual health history, TTC history questions. I got the familiar "You're not like a normal PCOS patient, we usually just have them lose weight. I'll have to confer with Dr. K" (What does it take for a thin girl with PCOS be taken seriously???) 

Finally, Dr. K came in and asked me why I was here. There wasn't anything she could medically do for me that my previous clomid, IUI, and IVF attempts couldn't. I said I just needed more hope. A better chance. She agreed that while I wait for whenever we decide to do another FET, she could do her best to increase my chances. 

The best she could do for me was prescribe a low dose of Metformin ER to sensitize my body to insulin. Hopefully that shortens my cycles, and gives me a couple more shots at trying "naturally" while we wait. IVF Dr. G was reluctant to prescribe Met for my insulin resistance b/c of the weight loss concern, so i'm excited she was willing to find a work around. 

I go back in March to get blood drawn to check my Progesterone levels.

She ended our appointment with a large optimistic smile, "Who knows? With life! ... we never know. All we can do is try. It takes time."

I also met with a dietician since Metformin can cause weight loss and I can't afford to lose any. Overall, she didn't have any adjustments to my vegetarian diet and said I was eating perfectly healthy. She recommended I add more avocados, coconut oil, nuts, peanut butter, (fats!) to my diet to maintain my current weight.

Also, as I write this post, we received a $20 check from Kaiser for an overpayment we made for our IUI attempt. Take that infertility!!

Love,
Higgy
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We got the call of our beta results on the way to San Francisco. I didn't cry. We had lots of things planned for our weekend and I just needed to wait until we were home to process it all. I also wound up in urgent care after a couple of days of incredible pain i my ear, jaw, and head.

On our way home from the city, still not feeling well from my sinus infection, the pain came again. It was shocking, sharp, and nearly unbearable - radiating down my left ear and jaw. Overwhelmed, I started to cry because it hurt. And then I started to sob. It was as if the emotional pain of another failed IVF manifested itself into physical pain. It was nearly too much to process all at once.

It's hard to decipher how I feel now really. Equal parts grief, anger, and hope. I can't even quantify it really. I've become used to the pain, heartbreak, and disappointment. I feel empty, overwhelmed, and lost all at once. There are moments when I feel nothing. S is my only comfort. He's so positive and reassuring. It's hard because I know he is hurting too, but he wants to be strong for the both of us.

I don't know what's next. That's scary. I don't know how much longer I can fight. The fear of giving up and living my life childless is almost so enthrallingly terrifying I can't breathe. I'm tired of this consuming me. We're stuck. We can't forget about it and keep living and it'll happen when it happens. We can't not think about it. We have to always save. No vacations, no house renovations, no new cars. Every thought, every move, every breath is how this will help or hinder our ability to get pregnant.

I'm losing faith in IVF. In my embryos, In my body. I also don't want to be 35 or 40 when this happens. I know I should be thankful, grateful for it whenever, but that's not the dream. I want to have time to enjoy my child. Also, I cannot even fathom doing this for another 10 years. As much as I am consumed by the longing for a child, I have to remind myself that I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for my marriage. I want my marriage to be happy. I want us to be happy. I don't want to look back on the first decade of our marriage and regret all the effort we put into infertility instead of each other.

For now, i'm trying gluten free and acupuncture again. Hopefully my body will get back on track again quickly and be ready for whatever we decide to do next. I'll let it consume me until there's nothing left.

If something burns your soul
with purpose and desire,
it's your duty to be reduced to ashes by it.
- Charles Bukowski
Love,
Higgy

Ashes

by on 11:52 AM
We got the call of our beta results on the way to San Francisco. I didn't cry. We had lots of things planned for our weekend and I just ...
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Well it's been about six months since we decided to move forward with IVF and I'm still not pregnant.

After our first cycle failed, I knew I wanted to try again ASAP. We waited the recommended one cycle in between, and called to set up our FET. We had some money leftover from our first cycle that I decided not to put towards paying off our IVF loan just in case we needed it for a FET, which we did.

This next cycle had to work I thought. After all, during orientation the nurse said for those who don't get pregnant during a fresh cycle usually end up with a successful FET. We had everything in our favor, age, embryo quality, uterine quality, my hormones were level. This was supposed to be it.

My doctor had to correct himself a couple of times during our FET appointments, saying he was sure this would work "without a doubt," and then quickly redeem his promise with "well fingers crossed."
I was still doubtful going into our second transfer, everything seemed to be going too well. Dr. G was so confident. Maybe I was being too hard on myself, maybe this could really work.

I tried to remain hopeful the couple days after our transfer. Remembering how pessimistic I was the last time. My body, my baby, could hear the negativity. I knew that I wanted nothing but positive thoughts circling this time around. However, as most infertiles know, there comes a point in your cycle when you convince yourself it didn't work. For me, that was about 5 days past transfer. I had bought some digital pregnancy tests at Target the day of our transfer, and was going to save it for the next day. It's a bit of a battle deciding whether I want to continue to hope for the next 5 days, or be put out of my misery. If it's negative, at least I would know. It's hard to have everything build up on a phone call.

It was negative. I cried on my way to work, taking about 5 minutes in my car sitting in the parking lot to compose myself enough to walk in. Slap a fake smile on like I do every day. Having experienced a failed cycle already, I thought a second failure would be easier. I had been through it already, but it's much harder.

Love,
Higgy
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