IVF Mama: PCOS

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Blogging after infertility is tricky. (Not that I posted nearly as much when I was in the trenches). I resurrected this blog in hopes of providing hope and inspiration for those still fighting the good fight. However, I also want to include bits of my life as a mother. I feel like this could go one of two ways. I can share my life after infertility, and inspire those (not that anyone reads this) who are still trying to conceive - OR - I can stir up feelings of grief, jealousy, anger, etc.

Just a couple of years ago I was a hybrid of the two. Until my last cycle where I did some deep soul-searching, praying, meditating, I was a really bitter infertile. I felt all those horrible feelings of jealousy and anger towards friends and family who got pregnant (or had kids) that were conceived easily or on accident. My aunt excitedly told me the news of a family friend's pregnancy and I rolled my eyes and said, "Good for her." Didn't she know what I was going through? However, family and friends that went through infertility were a different story. I was kind, I kept in touch, I didn't mind being around them or their kids.

If you're reading this and you are still on your infertility journey, please don't see my posts about motherhood as being boastful or hurtful. That's not what I want to do. I want to inspire you to keep moving forward. Wherever you are in your journey. If you just got your period for the millionth time, it's okay to be mad and sad. Grieve, and channel that energy into something positive that will get you to the next step. If you're on a break, don't be stressed about "wasting time" (I felt that way at first!) - treat yo' self! Eat healthy, get a facial, do some interior decor. Do something for you that doesn't involve infertility.

Keep hoping. Keep praying. Don't ever give up if you know it's truly what you want.

Blogging After Infertility

by Natalie Higginbotham on 9:59 PM

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Blogging after infertility is tricky. (Not that I posted nearly as much when I was in the trenches). I re...

Our beautiful baby boy is sleeping great these days. (Knock on wood.) So with the extra time on my hands, I thought I would try (again) to resurrect this blog. Below is a post I wrote but never posted, announcing my pregnancy.

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I'm almost ashamed to write, I had a blog post saved up about how this cycle had failed. I wrote it 6 days past transfer, because I had just gotten a negative home pregnancy test the morning before. I figured, since they were right this time the last two times, it would be the same for this cycle too.

I remained pretty upset. A former coworker announced her pregnancy on Facebook and I woke up sobbing in the middle of the night, having a minor breakdown.

I felt a little better the couple days after that, figuring I'd set up an appointment with a midwife to approach things naturally (I actually emailed her!). I went on with work, feeling mostly angry/disappointed but okay, since this was nothing new.

On Friday, official test day, I took the morning off. I slept in, got up, got ready, and was sort of melancholy. I went to my appointment early. It took me a few minutes to muster up the strength to go inside.

When I gave the nurse my arm she asked if this was my first or second blood draw. I said first. She asked if I'd cheated and tested. I said, "yeah it was negative Monday." She said "Awe maybe it was just too early." In my head i sort of rolled my eyes and said yeah right, i'd heard this before.

Usually, the clinic is fast to call back, an hour or two at most. By noon I still hadn't heard anything. I was getting really nervous as time went on. I tried to do some breathing exercises at my desk as to not over stress myself. I was even rude to someone on the phone, anticipating a negative test.

I decided to take my lunch and go for a walk. If they called, and i was out of the office, I could feel comfortable crying over bad news. I was crossing the street to go to Macy's when the clinic called. I answered in my melancholy "hi *sigh*" She answered "Have you been waiting by the phone? haha! Well, you know we like to see HCG numbers at least 30 . . . " (I thought, hm usually they open with an "i'm sorry we got your test results back and... "). She proceeded to say, "your beta was 147.5"

I was stunned. Am i hearing this right? I was speechless for about a minute. My mouth was open but I didn't know what to say. I sobbed "are you sure?" She said "I thought it might take a minute for you to process. We want you to come back Tuesday for your second blood draw do you have any questions?" She might have thrown in a congratulations in there, but i was too shocked to remember anything other than go back Tuesday!

Immediately after she hung up I dialed Stephan, quiet but sobbing unable to speak the words... "I am pregnant." He laughed as if he knew the whole time, saying I should listen to him more and stress less.

I then proceeded to call my mom, and my friends, and my aunt, cousin, and brother. Yes it was early but we fought so hard for this pregnancy. Everyone knew what we were going through, and if we suffer a loss, they can support us through that. I was on cloud nine.

I've had some minor spotting which they reassured me is normal, though it's still really really scary. I'm trying not to stress, and trust the process. Take it day by day, and be grateful for the gift growing inside me.

We're Pregnant

by Natalie Higginbotham on 9:46 AM

Our beautiful baby boy is sleeping great these days. (Knock on wood.) So with the extra time on my hands, I thought I would try (again...

Nine more days. Nine more days until my transfer. What should be a somewhat breezy cycle process now that I'm used to the shots, and have done this all before; has turned out to be a bit more difficult than the prior frozen transfer. Be it stress, diet, or a mix of the two; I've been having some rather unpleasant tummy problems the last few weeks. I think it stemmed from the birth control pill they started me on, coming and going as my hormones fluctuate while my meds change.

Sure I was plagued with an infection, bug, or some other ailment my mind often wanders to, I went to the doctor in hopes of some relief from my IBS-like symptoms. He said "it could be any number of things, I don't think it's anything dangerous, and with your FET cycle, I'm guessing it's something more physiological going on than physical." I left with not really any more knowledge than I already knew. I emailed my IVF nurse to get her take - could it be the meds? She chopped it up to stress. And sent a very reassuring email that almost brought me to tears at my desk. (Hello - one other crazy difference, I've been crying a lot more. I'm not even on progesterone yet!)

Her email read: More than likely it is the stress of the cycle. Relax. De-stress. We are going to get you pregnant.

I think that night I went home and took a bubble bath. I've been trying hard to up my yoga, but with the comings and goings of tummy troubles, it's often difficult to relax 100%. Alas, the whole de-stress advice is easier said than done. I stress about stressing out messing up my cycle, than I stress about my tummy problems somehow getting in the way of my health and me getting all the nutrients I need, and then I stress some more. It's a vicious cycle. I've been dabbling with a Low Fodmap eating approach - keeping it mostly gluten and dairy free. I think those are my main triggers when I'm sensitive or on edge emotionally.

As I sit at home sipping on my third cup of lemon ginger tea, sick from work, I am realizing how soon our next transfer is. This cycle hasn't gone as planned in terms of my health goals. However, I'm trying to remain positive. In an effort to keep my mind of things, I've done some cleaning/rearranging of furniture at home. Cleaning the house is sort of therapeutic for me. Maybe because a messy, dog fur everywhere, dishes piled up, piles of laundry house stresses me out. I need a clean home to relax.

The Home Stretch

by Natalie Higginbotham on 1:10 PM

Nine more days. Nine more days until my transfer. What should be a somewhat breezy cycle process now that I'm used to the shots, and ha...

I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping me busy and active on daily walks. He loves to play fetch and cuddle too! He's a good positive change in our lives, bringing some much needed life and happiness. However, I don't want to get too comfortable. I don't want to lose my drive.

Be it wacky PCOS hormones, or the most recent pregnancy announcements or baby photos on Facebook, I go through bouts of being really unhappy or disappointed with our lives without a child. Infertility. I get mad. I get sad. I become hopeless. After having lunch with my dear cousin one workday, she mentioned she was able to see a therapist at no cost through our work's insurance. (We both work for the State of CA.) My cousin suffered two miscarriages before having her gorgeous baby girl. She said she really thinks it helped her process everything.

So, after a couple of phone calls and a quick Google search, I set up an appointment with a buddhist psychotherapist. I've only been to two sessions so far, and I think it's a good thing. While we don't attack all the emotions I have, he helps guide me to focus on my "narrative." What is going to get me through this? What do I want? How is my story going to end? -- A baby duh!

I've been putting off doing another FET for various reasons: our hippy energy working friend suggesting we don't do another FET, my doubts in our remaining embryos and 27 year old uterus, money, fear, what the meds are doing to my body. It's now or never. I'm only getting older. Time only is getting away from us.

Then a day or so after telling the husband I was ready to try again a former coworker posted on Facebook: "Don't stop because you're tired, stop when you're done." I almost jumped out of my seat. YES. I AM SO FRICKIN TIRED OF INFERTILITY. But am I done? NO way Jose. Even if this FET doesn't work, even if we walk away from our remaining embryos. I'm not done. I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work. Maybe we'll save for an adoption. Maybe we'll live life without kids. Whatever we decide or whatever happens, I want to be okay with our decision. I hope that's where the therapy will help.

Before we jump into the next cycle, I'm trying extra hard to eat really clean and healthy, walk multiple times a day, yoga it up, and remain calm.

Am I Ready?

by Natalie Higginbotham on 8:06 PM

I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping...

One of my favorite bloggers, Carrie on Health, also has PCOS. I've followed her blog for quite some time (she used to be Carrie on Vegan) and I've always appreciated the holistic, food based approach she takes on tackling her health issues. One of the books she recommends for PCOS was Alisa Vitti's Woman Code.

I looked up the reviews on Amazon, and while a lot of people complained the author promoted her online program too much others who had followed the program detailed in her book, had good results. Her book isn't solely for PCOS. It covers a plethora of women's hormonal issues including PMS, irregular cycles, weight loss, etc.

In a nutshell, Alisa approaches hormonal healing by eating certain foods during each phase of our cycles to better support the hormonal reactions going on inside. She was able to heal her own PCOS and adrenal fatigue by doing so.

Her "Flo" program (which I get is clever, seems a little cheesy for me) is made up of the following steps:

Stabilize blood sugar (yes please!)

Coffee on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning stimulates cortisol which talks to our fat cells, which then convert into glucose, and indirectly increases the amount of blood sugar in our system. Whaaaaat? Heartbreaking.

Nurture adrenals (stress, sleep)
Support elimination (skin too!)
Hormonal synchronization (how do you live in cyclical harmony with the hormonal shifts during your cycle)

In addition to food, she emphasizes certain exercise at certain points of our cycle, for instance yoga during our period when our energy is most likely to be low. Save the run for our follicular or ovulatory phase. All these little changes end up supporting our body's natural physiological processes to better allow our bodies' endocrine system to do its job.

I checked the book out of the library just to see if it was something i wanted. I turned it in a few days late full of post it notes and pages dog eared (oops!). So this weekend, I went out and bought a paperback copy.

I've highlighted it, taken notes, and organized my plan of attack. Another woman who follows her program, shared her experience in her blog and on her Instagram and showed off her amazingly organized cupboard. This girl loves organization so of course I was off to Target to look for some cheap bins to get organizing.

Here's my final product:

I hope that by following her eating recommendations and what to eat when in order to stabilize my blood sugar, I'll find some improvement in my PCOS symptoms. One can hope. I'm much more happy using food as my medicine then artificial anything.