Does anyone have the perfect birth? During the years of infertility, one thing I often thought of, and had plenty of time to research was birth. A few years ago I watched The Business of Being Born on Netflix and was convinced I would have a natural birth. I had a few friends who managed natural hospital births, so thought this was something I could do too. I hired a doula, read books, blogs, and made sure my doctor knew my birth plan. (I called it a birth "wish list" since so much is out of our control - how can one really "plan" it?)

Then, a couple of months before January, Atticus decided he was going to turn breech. I actually think I know the exact moment this happened. I was getting my first prenatal massage from my energy-working masseuse. At one point during the massage, Atticus moved so fast an strong and you could see the movements from the outside. It was the craziest movement I'd felt my whole pregnancy.

Around 37 weeks, my doctor wanted to attempt a external cephalic version (ECV). The morning of the procedure, the many doctors conferred and decided there was not enough room in my baby belly so we didn't attempt it.

My c-section was scheduled for two weeks later. I was very disappointed I didn't have the chance to get the natural birth I had dreamt of, but I was so eager to meet our baby boy, the disappointment soon faded. However, the thought of being awake and getting sliced open was stressing. me. out. 

I maintained a pretty relaxed demeanor the morning of his birth. The nerves started when I had to walk back to the operating room by myself. Stephan was in a separate sterile room waiting until we could meet in the OR. The room was bright, freezing cold, and a lot different than what I was expecting.

I sat on the operating table and the anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to calm my nerves. I said yes before he even finished his sentence. They inserted the needle in my back (which I honestly don't even remember!) and I laid down. Stephan met me back shortly after and they got started.

Having someone riffle around in your insides is the weirdest sensation ever. It is not pleasant. During the procedure I remember thinking, "I never want to do this ever again." The doctor commented on how beautiful my ovaries were, asking how long ago my PCOS diagnosis was. That made me laugh (oh the irony)! In an effort to get my mind off of the surgery, I had Stephan pull up Facebook on his phone so I could try and stay distracted. Soon, I heard Atticus was butt first, then "he has red hair!" Next, the most beautiful sound - his cry. My doctor brought him over to show me and he was whisked away. 

One thing that surprises me still - is the fact that I didn't cry. I think the "calm down" medicine they gave me sort of warped my perception of things. It was all a very fuzzy surreal experience. I remember after he was wrapped up in a blanket, they placed him on my chest. His tiny body was covering my face making it hard to breathe - but I didn't care. He was finally here.